Mathematicians are joking

• Biologist, statistician, logician and mathematician in photo-safari in Africa. They drive through the savanna in their jeep, stop and look through the binoculars horizon. Biologist: Look! Look! Herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra in the middle! There are white zebras!!! Statistics: This is not true. So far we only know that there is one white zebra. Logic: In fact, we only know that there is a zebra, white on the one hand. Mathematician: Come on, this is a degenerate special case!

• Physicists, biologists and mathematicians propose to explain how it could happen that two people entered the empty house, and after a while three came out. Physicist: This is a mistake of observation, this can not be. Biologist: This is the natural process of reproduction for two, the third was born. Mathematician: There's nothing easier! We define an empty house as a house in which there are not more than one person.

• When mathematics is asked to calculate, say, the stability of a table with four legs, it quickly brings results related to a table with an infinite number of legs, and to a table with one leg. For the rest of his life he unsuccessfully solves the general problem of a table with an arbitrary number of legs.

• The engineer spent three hours at a lecture of a mathematician dedicated to multidimensional spaces. In the end, he, very distressed, approached the lecturer and said: "Excuse me, I would like to at least a little imagine the subject of your lecture. But I can not imagine a sphere in a nine-dimensional space! "It's very simple", the mathematician answered, "imagine a sphere in N-dimensional space, and then put N equal to nine".

• How will the task of "Boil a kettle?" physics and mathematics - pour water, light a fire, put the kettle on fire and heat up to 1000C. And now a new task "Boil a water-filled kettle?" Physicists: light a fire, put it, heat it. Mathematicians: pour water out of the kettle, than reduce the problem to the previous one.

• Once upon a time there were two friends of mathematics. And they constantly argued about the afterlife, is there, and if so, what kind. And one of them went to another world. A year has passed, and suddenly the second phone rings. He takes off the phone, and this is his deceased friend calling... Well, of course, the first question: - Well, how is it there, in the next world? There is life? - Yes, everything is just fine, all mathematicians live here, each develops its own theory, conferences are held - in a word - paradise. By the way, you have a report next week, you prepare...

• Two mathematicians in the restaurant argued how much most people know about mathematics. One (the pessimist) claimed that most of her do not know, and the other (the optimist) -that although not much, they know. When the pessimist went to the toilet, the optimist called a pretty blonde waitress and said: - When my colleague returns, I will ask you a question. The bottom is not important. All you have to do is say "Third X-cube". - How how? The third soup? - asked the waitress? - No, Third Tee X cube, I see? - Ah! Third cube? - repeats the waitress. - Yes Yes. This is all I ask of you. The waitress walks away repeating the phrase "one third of the cube". Then the pessimist returns. The optimist says - come on, ask our waitress what equals some simple integral. Pessimist, with a laugh agrees. The optimist calls the waitress and asks: - Excuse me, do not you remember what the integral of the function x2 in dx is equal to? "One third of the cubes..." the waitress replies. The pessimist is very surprised, the optimist laughs cheerfully. The waitress steps back a few steps, and turning over her shoulder adds: - ...Plus a constant. Silent scene.

• It is given: a room where fire, threatening to turn into fire, and there is a pile of sand nearby. Engineer: enters the room, falls asleep fire with sand, leaves. Physicist: enters the room, pours sand around the fire, sits down and watches the process. Mathematician: enters the room, sees that there is a solution, and leaves.

• Army sergeant: So everyone dig. Who here is prone to math... Are you Sidorov? So take a shovel, you will roots extract...